It was Halloween, and I was looking good.  I was hanging out with my new friends and had been invited to a big Halloween bash.  Dressed as a sexy devil, in a red mini skirt, red horns, and red lipstick, I knew I was getting the attention that I was looking for that night. 

Ready for a bash, I had arranged that I would not be returning home that night, and at this point, felt that I was safe.  I had a ride, and I knew I could crash on someone’s couch at the very least, although my internal plans were more in-depth than that. 

We arrived at the house where the party was happening, and I didn’t even notice how scuzzy and slum-like it was.  I entered the home and received so much attention from the guys that I barely noticed my surroundings.  I barely noticed the fact that I was the youngest one there, one of the few females, and certainly dressed the most slut-like. 

I was oblivious to the fact that I could have been in real trouble.  

I was naive.  I had no idea what I was walking into.  This party was going to change my life forever.  But I didn’t know that.  I was with my new friends, drinking, and having the time of my life.  

And that’s when the cocaine came out. 

I had seen cocaine in my earlier years and had always been dead set against it.  I had been invited to try it and was caught up in so much judgment around it that it had never occurred to me to give it a try.  But now, in these circumstances, with these new friends, these older men who I was wanting to impress, I second-guessed myself. 

There was no pressure.  It was an invitation.  But looking around at my surroundings, and seeing how much fun everyone was having, I wanted to be included.   I wanted to be a part of this life.  I wanted to feel numb. I wanted to let go completely and feel free.  I no longer wanted to feel the feelings that ran so deep from my father’s death.  I wanted a release.  

And so, the line was presented to me, and I said yes.  I had no idea what I was doing, and I told them that.  They were patient with me and told me what to do.  They told me what I might experience and gave me clear instructions. 

And up my nose, it went. 

I immediately felt sick.  Within seconds, I was running to the bathroom to throw up.  It was such a foreign feeling in my head, and I’d had quite a bit to drink.  But then, it hit me.  Not only had it made me feel like I was more sober, but it made me feel like I was on top of the world.  I was invincible.  Despite the fact that I had thrown up, I came out of the bathroom ready to rock.  I felt superhuman. 

And I was hooked.  That night I did several more lines with my friends and didn’t get any sleep.  I had so much fun and thought I could live like this forever.  Little did I know that I was about to find out how that one line, that one decision, was going to change my life for the next three years.  I didn't know the consequences, and I was naive. 

This was only the beginning.